In-Line Skating Rink

Saturday, June 28, 2003 :
drama vs. life...

From the photos, you'd think visiting the Colossal Colon was the highlight of our day. You'd be wrong. Yes, it makes for the most dramatic pictures. But it was not the best or even funniest part of the day. For me, the best part was 15 minutes of total bliss napping in a comfy chair in the UC Life Sciences Library while Michael copied documents. The funniest was the Basingstoke-sporting woman (Basingstoke is our code-word for this or this or this or the queen of all Basingstokes, Miss Aguilera.) who pranced past us in the library with her string bikini underwear high above her low rise jeans.

Anyway, the Colossal Colon was less than colossal, and SF was cold! So we got back on BART and rode all the way out to Concord to find the heat. Got off the train and walked 7 miles back to Walnut Creek BART station. Not the most exciting way to spend an evening, but at least I was warm! Plus we learned all about oak galls. Well, we didn't actually learn about them that night. We carried one home with us:

and looked it up on the internet the next day. Always good to learn something new.

Friday, June 27, 2003 :
another beautiful day...

88 degrees here in Berkeley. Feels great. Did 4 (count 'em) loads of laundry, got an iced Chai soy milk latte, and went shopping at my favorite clothing store -- Goodwill! Found 4 summer dresses and some T-shirts. I love summer!

Thursday, June 26, 2003 :
reasons to smile...

Supreme Court Strikes Down Gay Sex Ban

Berkeley is a slice of Heaven this morning.
what a view!

Even Dory is happy.
(Although she doesn't know why.)
what a view!

Wednesday, June 25, 2003 :
another reason to live...

Tuesday, June 24, 2003 :

Forgot to mention that Ruby and I watched One Hour Photo on DVD yesterday afternoon. Got me thinking a lot about pictures, recording, the things we try to save. And I thought about the last book I read, Dave Eggers' A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, and the book I'm reading now, Jonathan Safran Foer's Everything Is Illuminated. Journaling. Art-making. Even tattooing and eyebrow waxing and muscle-building. Impermanence and beauty... please click the links above to read my thoughts on these things. Maybe eventually I will tie them all together in one place. Capture them... in an essay, perhaps. Or a photo. As if one could.

Monday, June 23, 2003 :

Everything is too heavy this morning. Swollen. Sore. Little weights in the corners of my mouth are pulling this sadness down my face. My skin is too tight for this. Please don't touch me. Can you get a hangover after a meditation retreat? Or is it because of all the food I stuffed down afterwards? All that granola. And Michael made me a big plate of spaghetti and then watched me eat it. My cable TV doesn't work! And all these bits of paper, popped balloons, dirty clothes and dishes, moscas en la casa!

Ok. Somehow, I must shower. Put on clothes and get on BART. Lie still for Lilya to do my eyebrows. Trader Joe's: get that edamame spread & crackers for the girls at work tomorrow? Take Sims Hot Date CD-Rom to Ruby and don't eat everything in her refrigerator. Nap until time for meditation group. Get TV working and tape Madonna Hollywood video premiere at 11pm. So many simple stupid things. Breathe. None of this means anything. Just do it anyway. When you're dead, you should be so lucky.

---------LATER----------

Screw the journey. Everything's done. Now the reward. Click image:

Saturday, June 21, 2003 :

Friday: Ruby, web site, King Dong chinese food.

Saturday: Long walk to Lake Merritt in flip flops. Just like a teenager at Disney World. Zachary's Chicago Pizza. A little sunburn? Chai -- too sweet -- at Jahva Cafe in Oakland. Cut through the cemetery. Tresspassing through the golf course. Michael, you're so adventurous tonight. Why don't they lock their gates? All the way home. Flip flops in the dark. How many miles was this?

Sunday: All day meditation retreat in El Cerrito. Slept through every sitting. Funny dreams. Trying to stuff cloves of garlic into the exhaust pipe of a plane to make it go faster. Edamame dip from Trader Joe's. Wow. (Not a dream.) I wonder if the girls at Aunt Ann's would like this. At home, depression hits. Hmm. Where did that come from? Whatever. That's just how it goes.

Wednesday, June 18, 2003 :
this morning

BEFORE:

They just don't make helium like they used to.

LISTEN

AFTER:
Oh, the carnage.

Tuesday, June 17, 2003 :
The view over my bed tonight:

Click for more fun with balloons!

Monday, June 16, 2003 :

Monday night meditation group. It’s this tight tightness in my gut, see. Because everyone is fat. Everyone coming off the plane was fat. And everyone in line to get on was fat. All this flesh. And why can’t I see any deeper than flesh, than surfaces, or fortresses? I can’t see. Or I won’t see. But see now I’m burning. And my gut tightens. Hard. Abdominal muscles that I have worked on for so long. Is this what they are meant to do? Squeeze the pain into a fist. Push it back against the chair. Tighten until the tears flow. And see? Jon says. We aren’t so separate. Separateness is an illusion. Yeah, I know, with tears and snot and ragged breaths. I know. But how long have I been sitting here with everyone watching? What do they think of me? Lift me, Jon. Hold me up for a minute. I don’t want to talk. Just let me be

(thin enough.)

Sunday, June 15, 2003 :

Home from Utah. Patti Smith in the park. Michael, me, hummus, and blanket. Mmmmm... Watch me pretend to be a hippie chick. Get a sunburn. Blow out my left ear (too close to the speaker.) Man, this woman is a force of nature.

Get the experience here!

It's Beth's belly!

Saturday, June 14, 2003 :

Salt Lake City - June 12 - 15.

Thin air and comfy couch. Sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep. Mom does her knee exercises. Walk to video store with David. Up hill. Temperature in the 90s. Sleep. Watch videos: Die Another Day and Catch Me If You Can. Sleep. Eat salad from Wendy's. Watch videos: Tuck Everlasting and Minority Report. Same clothes and no shower. Sleep, sleep, and eat. Watch videos: Monsters Inc. and Road to Perdition. Swim. Teriyaki chicken. Will's family moving to Coalinga. Mountain biking. Dad explains volcanoes. Sleep. Sleep. Happy Father's Day. Here's a box of walnut bars. Sorry I hassled you about your exercises, Mom. See you next time.

Thursday, June 12, 2003 :

Iraqis shot down an American helicopter. Hamas has vowed a new wave of suicide bombings against Israelis. The code is orange. The temperature is 53F. And I'm leaving on a jet plane.

Wednesday, June 11, 2003 :

Last night, cut back my Prozac to 10mg/day.
Last night, did not go to the gym. Again.
Last night, finally wrote about Dave Eggers' book.
What would I have done if it really were the last night?

TODAY: Got up early for once. Did 2 loads of laundry. Took out the garbage. Started a new book: Everything is Illuminated, by Jonathan Safran Foer. Went to Aunt Ann's. Moved a lot of paper off my desk and ate popcorn. Listened to Eckhart Tolle while working out at the gym.

TOMORROW: Leave for Utah. The 5th visit this year.

Tuesday, June 10, 2003 :

Is this what others see? Or is it just the good light in the bathroom? Do I look angry? I was angry Sunday night. But trying to conceal it. Why? Distraction. Denial. Defense. Who cares about any of this?

There is mail waiting in the box downstairs. Squirrels chasing each other in the trees and construction on the new police parking garage across the street. This face is no different from the green tea in my mug this morning. Or the BART train I will miss if I don't hurry into the shower.

Where are my keys?!?!?!?!

Monday, June 09, 2003 :

Sunday, June 08, 2003 :

Another gray day. Watched The Guru on DVD last night. Did finally shower but nothing else. When oh when will I ever clean my bathroom and kitchen?

I wish I had something important to say. Language and thought seem pointless. Instead, sensory experience is heightened. The aroma of jasmine outside my apartment building and Indian cooking within, a Berkeley breeze through my hair, birds and squirrels. Recipes. Food. Olive oil. Tarragon. Hot showers and body butter. A facial. An eyebrow wax. Mouth crammed full of plaster Friday, making molds of these crookwards teeth. Sleep, oh yes, sleep. In bed. On the couch. On the floor. On the train. Sweat. Or goosebumps. A shoulder massage at the kitchen sink.

I guess I'll finally throw out the dead venus flytrap.

Teresa's graduation party from 4 to 6pm. Teresa from Monday night meditation. An MFA in creative writing. Poetry. Mediteranean food and cheesecake. Mark, Sharon, Lea Ann, & Jon Bernie. Michael came with me.

Too tired to go to the gym tonight. What is causing this extreme fatigue? I sleep long hours and wake up exhausted. Is it the Prozac? Is it time to start tapering off? And now this anxiety. Walls all crumbled down but the vibrations still buzzing and banging. My heart is breaking. Where oh where is the silence?

(I'm glad Christine called.)

Saturday, June 07, 2003 :

Depression or hangover? How can you tell? Can you get a hangover from one beer? Can forgetting your drugs for one day make you depressed? Is it the weather?

The nice thing is that somehow, none of this matters. So we slept until 6pm. So I still haven't showered at 8:30pm. We had salmon and spaghetti squash for dinner and will probably watch a video in a few minutes. The world has not changed.

Friday, June 06, 2003 :

1) Up at 6:30 AM. More broccoli for breakfast.

2) Dentist appointment at 10 AM. Dr. Warren. Impressions of teeth to send Invisalign. Getting my teeth straightened... again!

3) Ruby's. Finished her web site! Now she wants to make it completely different. Okay. First I need a nap.

4) Susan Feigon's new apartment at 5:30 PM. A roof with a view. Old dolls and jewelry. Checkbook reconciliations. Dinner. Chicken, broccolini, salad.

5) Michael's.

6) Sleep.

Thursday, June 05, 2003 :

Dave Eggers is funny but tiresome.
Cream of Broccoli Soup for lunch.
Denise wearing jeans and blowing up animal balloons to take to Zoofest.
Meet Michael at gym after work. His muscles are beautiful, but he doesn't know how to accept a compliment.
Ginger snaps, seedless grapes, and a shower before bed.

Wednesday, June 04, 2003 :

I'm just here. Warm and dry and well-fed. A productive day at work. Bank reconciliations are fun. So are cascading style sheets. Now I'm tired and crampy. Screw the gym. I'm going home to continue Dave Eggers' A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius in bed.

Tuesday, June 03, 2003 :

Breathless. Bored. Ecstatic. Anxious. Tired. Powerful. Thrilled. Utterly annoyed. A human life? Or 30 minutes on the elliptical trainer at the gym? Is there really a difference? And how many times can one work out to Madonna's new American Life CD before getting sick of it? The lyrics are inane, but the music makes me jump for joy. And at the gym, that's a good thing.

Speaking of inane... I have no deep thoughts today, except, I think I like yogurt after all. Anyway, it was good with the leftover Indian Chicken I had for lunch.